For the last few weeks, I've been thinking about change.
The most obvious kind of change is the big, life-altering variety: moving, getting over a long-term relationship or officially starting one (like marriage), starting a new job, coping with the loss of a loved one. These are "ushering in a new era" changes, and usually, at least at times, are scary.
Then there are seasonal changes that occur, for me, every year: the beginning of a new school year, that joyous month-long break in January, and the transition to the summer, which, for me, is actually a more difficult transition than going back to school in the fall.
And finally, there are the smaller, everyday changes that I crave: I rearrange my room a lot, like trying new restaurants and going to new places, and swap out my profile picture on social media frequently. I even chose an Android phone over an iPhone because I can customize its look more.
Right now, I'm trying to juggle a few different changes. and putting them together at the same time makes me feel uncomfortable. I'd almost rather move to a new city, break off a long-term relationship, and start a new job all at once rather than try and parse how so many seemingly inconsequential and imperceptible changes are making me feel unstable.
Like my time: the semester ended and I plunged head-first into more free time, which is always a little jarring after feeling like I should be grading and working every second of every day. Getting used to being home by myself during the day instead of out teaching is always a struggle, especially when I always need to spend less money in the summer as well.
And my home: Our apartment lost a roommate who had a lot of furniture and gained a new roommate who brought a lot of furniture, so like a few summers ago, I'm living among boxes. Getting used to being home by myself during the day plus not being super comfortable in that home yet is even more of a struggle.
And Adam's home: After Joel and I spent an incredible weekend getaway with Adam and his wife, we dropped them off at their new apartment in a different neighborhood and I couldn't help but feel like they were completely different people, and that would make our relationship a completely different relationship.
Even the cat is going through changes of her own: she's got new roommates, too.
On top of this are little things: objects around the house I need but don't have anymore (like the vacuum) because they belonged to the old roommate, trying to find a new place for the cat scratching post, my mother's procurement of her first smart phone, new short stories, new dates, new bedspread, newfound interest in butter lettuce, new distance between my parents and I, new growth on the tree outside my window, new discoveries, new expectations and outlooks on relationships.
I used to think that if something in my life was always changing, I'd be happy, and that being static is what drove a lot of my unhappiness in the past. But right now, so much feels different that I've swung too far in the other direction. At some point soon I need to find something familiar to keep me grounded until everything else falls back into place again, so I can start to appreciate these changes for the positives they are.
I used to think that if something in my life was always changing, I'd be happy, and that being static is what drove a lot of my unhappiness in the past. But right now, so much feels different that I've swung too far in the other direction. At some point soon I need to find something familiar to keep me grounded until everything else falls back into place again, so I can start to appreciate these changes for the positives they are.
