Being unemployed with a small cushion of school loans is like knowing that you will eventually have to jump off a cliff, and you are just trying to make a strong enough parachute that will carry you safely to the ground. Some days, you think you'll never find the right materials for the damned thing: you keep seeing nothing but netting, wool, and monkey fur. Some days, you see nylon but it's too thin, with tears and holes in it. Some days you see material that is way too good for your parachute, and you know you'd never be able to afford it.
Today was a monkey fur day. It's soft and quirky, sure, but not good parachute-making material.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Non-Exclusivity and the Quest for Happiness (and an Extended Baseball Metaphor)
Ever since I made the decision to leave my marriage over a year ago, I knew I needed to work on myself before getting into another serious relationship. I knew I needed to see myself as an autonomous, successful individual before sharing my life with someone else, because I know myself well enough to know how co-dependent I can become. I am more in love with love than I think I know how to be with another person, as I proved to myself again this past summer.
But who doesn't want to spend time with a romantic interest? Who doesn't want to lay in bed until noon, watch geeky movies with popcorn, or cuddle in front of a fire? I want to work on myself, but at the same time I want to see what's out there. So I have been. I decided that I would date, non-exclusively, until I felt I had become strong enough in my own individuality to enter into a serious, committed relationship once again. After all, you can't learn how to play baseball by simply watching it on TV. At some point, you have to get out there feel the dirt on your cleats.
This works to a point. It worked for me for about 10 months, until situations shifted and I found myself, for the first time, green beyond belief. On Friday night I sat at the bar with my friends, trying very hard not to think about the fact that at that moment, the only guy I'm currently dating (and have been dating since March) was out on a date with someone else.
I bobbed for a while between wanting to know and not wanting to know. For a while, I liked hearing about his past escapades, and his current dates were nothing more than a scheduling barrier. But neither of us have dated anyone else for a while, up until now, and I find myself falling back into the same emotional traps. I would not ask him to be exclusive, because neither of us are ready. But I wonder about my ability to do this.
My solution for the moment, of course, is to be aware of my feelings. And thankfully I have been able to keep up an open communication with him about it. I probably worry more than I should about things I cannot foresee. Neither of us are going anywhere. And we continue to have a great time together, regardless of anything else.
This is just another reminder that sometimes, when you walk out onto that baseball diamond, your cleats will get mired in the mud. But you keep playing anyway.
But who doesn't want to spend time with a romantic interest? Who doesn't want to lay in bed until noon, watch geeky movies with popcorn, or cuddle in front of a fire? I want to work on myself, but at the same time I want to see what's out there. So I have been. I decided that I would date, non-exclusively, until I felt I had become strong enough in my own individuality to enter into a serious, committed relationship once again. After all, you can't learn how to play baseball by simply watching it on TV. At some point, you have to get out there feel the dirt on your cleats.
This works to a point. It worked for me for about 10 months, until situations shifted and I found myself, for the first time, green beyond belief. On Friday night I sat at the bar with my friends, trying very hard not to think about the fact that at that moment, the only guy I'm currently dating (and have been dating since March) was out on a date with someone else.
I bobbed for a while between wanting to know and not wanting to know. For a while, I liked hearing about his past escapades, and his current dates were nothing more than a scheduling barrier. But neither of us have dated anyone else for a while, up until now, and I find myself falling back into the same emotional traps. I would not ask him to be exclusive, because neither of us are ready. But I wonder about my ability to do this.
My solution for the moment, of course, is to be aware of my feelings. And thankfully I have been able to keep up an open communication with him about it. I probably worry more than I should about things I cannot foresee. Neither of us are going anywhere. And we continue to have a great time together, regardless of anything else.
This is just another reminder that sometimes, when you walk out onto that baseball diamond, your cleats will get mired in the mud. But you keep playing anyway.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
One of those Gym People
Well, I did it. With the parents' help, I just joined a gym. I'm going to be one of THOSE people. No, I don't think that I will run a marathon, or get all hyped up on energy smoothies, or open a yoga studio. But hopefully I will try to balance out the fact that I can't afford organic, fresh fruits and veggies or convenient Lean Cuisines for emergencies (ie lazy times), and still be able to lose some weight on tuna sandwiches, apples, bananas, and cottage cheese.
Do you think it's cheating to drive to a gym that's .8 miles away, since I'll be working out there anyway? What if the wind chill is below zero?
Do you think it's cheating to drive to a gym that's .8 miles away, since I'll be working out there anyway? What if the wind chill is below zero?
Sunday, December 27, 2009
An End of 2009 Confession
I am gripped by fear of graduating and publication submission. I have thus far been choosing to listen to the half of my faculty who tell me to wait until I graduate. But who says graduation will magically turn on a confidence switch? I haven't even been seriously pursuing freelance assignments. What's my problem? Is it something I can actively turn around in 2010 or will I be writing a similar confession next year?
Well, if the first step is admitting you have a problem...my name is Kate, and I have no confidence in my chosen career path.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Hence, Haiku
Looking back at my last three blog posts, I realized that all I've been doing is writing haiku. I don't even consider myself a poet, nor do I write other poems outside the realm of the blogophere. But sometimes the things I want to say are too big, or too obvious, or too whiny for prose. Hence, haiku.
I do have some ponderings in the works, so I shall be posting those shortly. In the meantime,
How I love to say
quite a bit in fewer words
to keep you guessing.
I do have some ponderings in the works, so I shall be posting those shortly. In the meantime,
How I love to say
quite a bit in fewer words
to keep you guessing.
To Melt a Glacier
Sometimes it seems like
trying to melt a glacier
with a hair dryer.
You try anyway,
even though you will be pained
from hard work unpaid.
You try anyway,
'cause maybe you'll discover
a secret weakness.
And maybe you won't.
trying to melt a glacier
with a hair dryer.
You try anyway,
even though you will be pained
from hard work unpaid.
You try anyway,
'cause maybe you'll discover
a secret weakness.
And maybe you won't.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Haiku for a Good Wednesday
The boy never saw
the tiny mushroom behind
the giant oak tree.
How he would have missed
its succulent, hearty taste
had the oak not fall'n.
the tiny mushroom behind
the giant oak tree.
How he would have missed
its succulent, hearty taste
had the oak not fall'n.
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