To Rebuild

A structure that can no longer serve its purpose can sometimes be remodeled. If the foundations are strong, you can get away with surface improvements – painting, carpeting, and plumbing, for example. Sometimes, more work is needed – perhaps the roof must be patched, the drywall fixed, the flooring replaced. But sometimes, even after making all of these changes, the very core of the structure is the cause of its downfall, and you must tear the whole thing down and begin again, brick by brick.

Over the last few years I have been attempting to make surface changes to my structure: first cosmetic improvements, then some practical ones. But when these didn’t work, I found I had to try harder: patches, major structural repairs. I let these stand for a while, and ignored the roof leaking and the foundation sagging. I let them stand for so long that one morning I woke up and my entire structure had collapsed around me, when I should have made the decision to have it torn down some time ago.

So now I sit, surrounded by the rubble that was once, long ago, a secure structure. I must stand up and rebuild slowly. I must not be tempted to cut corners and use materials that may appear shiny, convenient, or cheap. I must not be swayed by the way others have built their own structures, because while they may be safe in them, I may not. And I must not decline the help of more experienced builders who have made their own structures strong enough to resist the threats of time and the elements, because they will have much to teach me about how to make my own free-standing environment.

I do not remember how I built my structure the first time, just as I do not remember learning to write my name. But as I stand before my cleared lot, a nice deep hole dug for the basement and another in the back for a swimming pool (I will not leave anything out this time), I see the possibilities laid out before me in all directions. My rooms do not have to be arranged the same way they were before, and I can choose the walls to be any color I want. No one else can tell me how to build my own shower, or kitchen, or laundry room. The choices are mine alone, and while these choices sometimes overwhelm me, deep down they are exciting.

Once it’s done (or appears to be done, for a structure is never truly done), I might invite someone else in to share it with me. But I hope this won’t happen for a while - not until the last colorful tile is cemented to the kitchen backsplash and the sawdust vacuumed away. Until then I will try and embrace and enjoy the long process of reconstruction, and like stubborn residents of a tropical island in the path of hurricane after hurricane, resolve to always rebuild again.